Cold over the Shadows

I am the type of person that always tries to help people.

But one day I was put in the position of having to choose who I helped.

This lead to that and I ended up doing something I'm not proud of, and have kept secret for a long time and may do so for a long time more.

I don't know why.

It may be that there are people out there who understand.

Maybe there are people out there who have also done something wrong for the right reasons.

Maybe I'm alone, I just don't know.

But I do know this: I'm not ready to forgive.

I'm not ready to forgive my Mother, for screwing up.

I'm not ready to forgive my Father, for walking out on me and witholding my siblings.

I'm not ready to forgive my extended family for the numerous comments that they thought went un-heard.

I'm not ready to forgive my friends who assume they know me, while turning a blind eye to the obvious chsnges.

I'm not ready to forgive all those who see me trying to help and insist i'm trying to hinder.

But most of all, I'm not ready to forgive myself. For all those stupid mistakes in my past, for the harm I did accidentally and deliberately. For the whong choices I made, for the fact that I can't forgive, for the fact that I push everyone I love away.

Yes, I'm a fucked up guy, but I made myself into what I am today, this dark thing.

I was told that we are only as dark as the secrets we keep.

I disagree. I taught myself to be darker than my secrets.

I want to scream at someone. Cry with someone. I want to let someone in, but because everyone knows me this way, they get suspicious when I let down my guard.

I need something more substantial. I need facts and there are some who hate e for that.

Yes, there was a time when I didn't need them, when I was free.

But I was only free because I had the fear.

Fear is what keeps us alive, Fear is what makes us good at what we do. We love because we fear being alone. We lie because we fear being found out, We accept the lies of others because we fear the truth.

but we lie. We lie when we eat, we lie when we sleep. We lie when we say 'I love you', we lie when we say that it's a 'good morning'.

We lie with our politicians leading the way, we lie so much that we begin to believe the lies.

And we lie because we are afraid. Afraid of the fear, afraid of inevitability, afraid of change.

I wanted to be the kind of person that people look up to. A good role model. But what have I actually become?

I drift through life, without actually connecting to people. I go from low esteem job to low esteem job without making anything out of myself.

I failed school.

I've saved people's lives but no-one else cares.

Have I lost my soul as a result of not caring?

I need to change all this.

I want to be a hero.

Someone did a tarrot reading for me. I'm physically, mentally and emotionally fucked up, aparently.

Stupid cards, I could have told you that.

My friend keeps asking me "Do you remember when life was simple?" To which I'd reply "Life was never simple."

Well maybe not, but I remember a time when I was happy.

These days, all I do is help people. I give and give and give with little to nothing in return. I say little to nothing, because what I do get in return is either so miniscule that it hardly counts or it's evil.

Lets review...

I defend my little brothers, help them with schoolwork, let them play on my playstation, etc, then they act like b*ds and keep F***ing around when I try to get them to do something.

Try to cheer people up when they're stuck on a problem. result: other people yell at me.

I saved my last girlfriends life. Shortly afterwards I take her in when she's thrown out of her house.

What do I get back?

Death threats.

Lend money - Have people turn their back on me when I need the money back.

Everything I do has a perverse reaction, and I'm supposed to laugh at all the terrible things happening to me? I'm close to tears and I'm supposed to smile and shrug it off?

That's what I've done my whole life. Smile, Shrug it off and Soldier on...

"Just when you think you're too paranoid, you realise you're not paranoid enough."

I know that this makes no sense to anyone reading, but this is the kind of thing that flies through my head on a regular basis.

The long and short of it is that i say dumb things sometimes, and people take offense when none is meant.

I have a secret that I don't want anyone to know, but I want someone to know so that it doesn't keep haunting me.

People suck, especially me.

And I don't know wether to burn my bridges again. I want to run, but where do I run to? What is it I'm truly running from?

*sigh*

Is someone going to one day lock me up in a mental asylum?

Every time I try to help someone I get shot down in flames, usually by the person I'm helping.

Everyone, I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you.

So... life sucks.
Love sucks.
Poetry may be on lulu.com soon.

x

...HELL? YEAH!

I swear, I'm so... Angry.

I can't find the right word. (Thesaurus says "affronted, annoyed, antagonized, bitter, chafed, choleric, convulsed, cross, displeased, enraged, exacerbated, exasperated, ferocious, fierce, fiery, fuming, furious, galled, hateful, heated, hot, huffy, ill-tempered, impassioned, incensed, indignant, inflamed, infuriated, irascible, irate, ireful, irritable, irritated, maddened, nettled, offended, outraged, passionate, piqued, provoked, raging, resentful, riled, sore, splenetic, storming, sulky, sullen, tumultuous, turbulent, uptight, vexed, wrathful", but still doesn't cover it.)

My rant for today? England. It's not cool.

Listen carefully children: England. Sucks.

Reasons for this: The Chavs (or them as I like to refer to... them...)

They can't read. They can't write (other than 'Chaz woz ere fuk'n steve hoo has a big nob). They think darts is a sport, they wear knock-off clothing and think it's cool. Their jewelry weighs more than they do. If they're under 14, they'll have a baby, if their over 17 they'll look almost 70.

I want to see the return of the lady. not one specific lady, but the breed of person, sophisticated, understands the value of a hard day's work (Jobseekers is NOT a hard day's work.)

I want people who think differently. Someone who sees the correlation between beating each other to a pulp in the gym and sex.

Someone who could come home and have a cream liquer with me, curled up in front of the warm glowing fireplace, reading on the persian rug.

Instead I see people going home, downing a bottle of vodka curled in the chair, basking the the warm radioactive glow of the TV, with wine stains on the carpet and the books burned for heat in the winter.

Watching the birds in the garden as we have supper, not watching football as we have a pint.

A famous man once said 'It's the difference between making love and masturbating' and that's exactly what it is. England has become a country of masturbation (he he, wankers), and it's annoying me.

Gimme enough money? I'd be out of here in a snap.

Another small rant for all you lovely readers.

My mother did something drastic yesterday. She used me as an example for the defenition of failure.

Let's review:

1 ) I broke my best friend's arm in primary school.
2 ) I bullied people in the second primary school.
3 ) I fucked around in high school.
4 ) I fucked up in college.
5 ) I landed myself a dead-end job with little pay.
6 ) I ran up about 1000 pound of debt.
7 ) I spent three years of my life doing... well... nothing. And I bitched about it throughout.

I am a bad person, and I can see why she said it.

On the other hand...

1 ) I have put up with her coming home and drinking herself stupid every night for the past 10 years.
2 ) I have saved 4 people's lives to date (Or three people, one tried to die twice)
3 ) I give people a shoulder to cry on.
4 ) At least I did get myself a job, in a community where getting a job is frowned on ("Why get a job when you get more money off the doll?").
5 ) I helped my brothers to stop getting bullied.
6 ) I helped her through two divorces.
7 ) I didn't say anything to her when;
A ) I caught her cheating on my step-father.
B ) I first found her smoking.
C ) I realised that she was an alcoholic.
D ) She spent six years criticizing me, every day.
8 ) I helped her sort out her business and get it up and running.

So failure? I think not. Personally, I'd say I'm more of a Modern_Hero than most people realise.

For all you people out there reading this, I want you to do something, especially for me.

Write down every good thing you have ever done with your life. Whether you're aged 14 or 40. Make it big, make it small, do it in biro, or carve it into a sculpture.

Then, go and make an A1 poster of that list.

Stick it up anywhere you like.

Whenever you look at it, think carefully about those things on that list, just so that you can remember.

Also remember that I'm not the only hero around here